Sunday, May 12, 2013

It's Mother's Day, and I'm numb.

Today is supposed to be about adoring families showering appreciation and love on that one person in the house that keeps it all running. And in the midst of this frantic rush to appreciate, to buy the right gift, get the right card, find the perfect show of love, I'm sitting in a calm like the eye of the storm. Waiting to feel something, anything.

I'm not normally like this but I've been off my meds for a while and it's starting to show. I'm disconnected. I've pulled back from everything around me, more audience than actor. I am feeling the world through cloth. Muffled, dull, inert. And I can't really care enough to change that.

My parents and inlaws don't notice anything really - to them I'm just calm, maybe distracted. Maybe I've had just one too many little sips of champagne. My husband thinks I'm ok, a little tired maybe, perhaps mildly amused that he totally forgot the national mom-day until Friday afternoon. I hope my daughter doesn't see anything wrong with me at all.

But these are the things I see wrong with me:

I'm afraid because
I'm 46
I weigh 60lbs more than I should
I don't have a career - I've recently returned to work and am starting over
I need daily medication to make it through the day

Somewhere in my memories there is a different person, who was not afraid. Who simply had an idea and acted on it. Who didn't have to drag herself through the day because she didn't have the energy to care. Someone who was fearless.

So on the Mother's Day I'm making a mother's pledge to myself. To get back on my meds. To lose the dead weight both physical and mental. To find my fearless.

Today is May 12, 2013. One year from today, I want to be fearless again.

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